just getting by and graduating

so this morning in graces we had a powwow. i really didn't like it too much, at least in the beginning...cuz it was T jsut getting mad at me again. cuz supposedly T had a complete emotional breakdown yesterday. but i guess it ended well, cuz basically everyone was crying and some people had apologized to me for saying crap behind my back. but i still have some unresolved feelings towards T. i understand that she felt like i had started to step over the line and telling her what i would be doing....but at the same time. i did not disrespect her otherwise and i still am a little upset at her.

however, right now i'm just trying to get by and graduate. so i'm just forgeting all of this and moving on. just getting by and finishing out the year....and focusing on happier thoughts. like darion. a sweetheart... :D so yeah that's life...

oh and btw. maybe i didn't lose all my friends, some are still mad at me, but then they never really were my friends if they hate me...

life is pain and you get over it

so now i'm already finding out some repurcussions of what happened today between me and mrs. t.....i heard it caused her to have a bad day and that a lot of ppl were crying. i didn't mean for it to blow up like this....not at all... but i don't go back on anything i did. i simply was voicing the thoughts that i'd had for a long time. maybe i could have been nicer, but if i hadn't have said these things, i would have blown up worse... but now i've got a member of graces crying. our president. i heard it from a friend that has T after me... can i just say i hate life. a whole part of me is dreading going to graces tomorrow morning. cuz i don't want to get the dirty looks and glares i know that i'm gonna get tomorrow. i dont' want to deal with that shit...i've already had enough. i've already cried enough. man i hate high school and can't wait to be rid of it....too much drama....teachers that don't treat us like adults....or equals. we have ideas and are bright and smart, and sometimes they treat us like we're two. some ppl deserve that cuz that is how they act....but, some really try to get their point across and teachers just lazily push it aside... i hate it....

well, so my night was going okay for once at young womens even though i hate it. then i came home and started talking to a friend and it got all the whole issue of today back up... but at opening exercises of young womens/young mens.... i saw darion. he got to conduct the meeting...lol but might i say he looked incredibly hot. i don't know what it was about him... maybe jsut the simple jean shorts and loose white tee. just the simpleness of it all. and he was just so cute. i wanted to just hug him for like forever. he gives the greatest hugs....and then he gave me a hug when the guys and girls separated. a really amzing hug. gosh i really like him. he's a sweetheart...i really think that this time he won't hurt me. really. and i guess this is just saying that i'm going for it! i'll talk to him on sunday for a while and who knows what will happen??!!! lol :D i'm just gonna focus on that right now to make me happy... :D

average jane signing off....( i'm moving past my issues and forgeting guys that don't like me as i like them.... i'm moving on to guys that like me, a lot *wink*, and that i really like back...)

i'm having a day from hell...

today was literally a day from hell....but it didnt' start that way. it was okay. i got to read my book, gossamer, in seminary. then i went to choir and i actually had fun in concert choir. the songs we were learning were finally starting to come together in my mind.... and it felt great. and we finished up about 10:20 am. then mrs. t, my choir teacher, asked to see me for a minute. and so i went into her office and we talked. she told me that i had come to her to talk once and so now she needed to talk to me. she told me that she was incredibly hurt yesterday when i was unwilling to try and change my time to donate blood, which i ended up not being able to anyways.... but she said she harbored feelings (her words not mine) all day about that and couldn't stop thinking about it. she had asked me the previous day in our class to try and switch to donating blood during the period i TA for her, but i told her i couldn't because i needed to use that time for homework... i was really behind and needed to make up some work. so back to today. she told me that for the past 3-4 weeks she had let me do what i wanted when during my TA period, but she had asked for one day and i couldn't give her that. i didn't get the chance to tell her that i would have gladly any other day, but this happened to be one day i just couldn't. i needed to pass the class i had homework for. anyways, then she told me that she had really needed me there yesterday, that the girls needed me there. i told her that i don't really feel that she notices when we were gone. and she got defensive and said that she does notice, and asked me if i didn't notice that she pulled aside the latecomers. and i gave her that. she does that....but when we're gone it's not like she makes much of it. she only makes a big deal when all of our 1st sopranos are finally all there( this is a rare occurence by the way..) anyways ( oh and during this i myself was getting kind of defensive and that was wrong. i needed to cool down.) but also, somewhere in this conversation i must have gotten pretty hyped up, cuz mrs. t said that i was shooting daggers at her with my eyes and that i needed to calm down... and i did, cuz i wasn't meaning to do that. but then at one point in our conversation i tried to tell her something and i must have raised my voice a little, because all of the sudden she said, "don't yell at me, cuz i can't take that." and i said to her, " i'm not yelling at you." cuz i wasn't....and she told me to stop yelling, again. and so i said, "T, you deserve respect as my teacher, but i can't take this.." so i opened her office door and turned to leave. she grabbed my arm to keep me in there and told me to stay. but i pulled my arm away and left the classroom. she followed me into the hall and called after me...i thought she might catch up to me so i began to run down A-hall. she called after me saying, "amy let's take this to the principal..." i said ," i'm not talking about this and i ran down f-hall into the girls bathroom. i stayed there for five minutes then went out in the commons area. i waited to see if she'd come find me. but she didn't. the good thing was my friend kara came out to see if i was okay. her concerned face broke me. i told her, no i was not okay. she gave me a big hug and i cried for a second. then i told her that t's being a bitch. and she knowing how t's been acting, was like no surprise.... but then she got my stuff out of the classroom, cuz i wasn't about to go back in right then. but that's the most of the drama..

so then at lunch i was hungry but couldnt find the motivation to make myself eat. food sounded disgusting. so i just sat at my table. i heard rumors later that a couple of other choir friends of mine were giving me looks of disgust as to how i was treating T. but they just don't get it. i confronted one of them around the last period of the day and told her i'd heard rumors that she was giving me dirty looks. she just rolled her eyes, not denying it....and i told her that if she had issues to tell me to my face cuz i didn't need to hear it from others. and i told her i was tired of t's shit and all the shit i was getting from others... looking back now, i realize i was really harsh, and i regret that, but i don't regret what i said. i'm tired of being the bad guy, of losing friends. guess they weren't really my friends to believe me....it sucks.

so now i've lost some friends cuz of this whole mess. and i know i was partly in the wrong. i should have held my temper better. i tend to lose it. but i don't regret a word i said. i meant every word with all of my heart. i don't need to sit by and just take this anymore. that's it. but i also will be telling cami sorry for reacting how i did, but that i still meant what i said. i will also tell T, if she tries to talk to me, that we have nothing to talk about until she apologizes. i will probably say that i was wrong in running away, literally. i should have jsut walked away like a normal person. it was childish to run. totally childish and i'm an adult now. but i don't regret what i said. not at all. T needs to realize that right now choir is not the most important thing. i need to focus on my other classes in order to pass them and graduate....this is stress i so don't need.

anyhooo, yeah it really sucked but i'm okay for now.

average jane signing off....

thoughts all a jumble

so today at work i began a train of random thoughts. thoughts about some of my favorite things in the world....

like to begin with, my favorite weather in the world is warm fall rain showers. i love being able to just stand or dance in the rain... it is way amzing... i love it. i love thunder and lightning. it lights up the sky so wonderfully.

then my favorite season obviously is fall. i love to see the changing of the leaves from green to red to gold or yellow. it's like nature's art.

then on with more favorite things... my favorite thing to do in my spare time is usually reading books, though lately i've been stuck on my fav. tv show, Charmed. i love that show. watching three women, strong and independent, fighting off evil...so cool.

ummm... other random thoughts. there are a lot of things that i hope to happen someday. i want to be kissed in the rain, i want to see Europe. there are a whole list of things that i want....some things are unattainable, at least for now.

other random things my greatest wish in life is to find a path where i am accepted just for me....no matter how i act. also i want to find a place where i can be on my own for a while, depending only on myself and having to find out how to survive in that place. like maybe on my own in europe. it would be good...

but so other stuff...following my thoughts...well so just thinking of friends and how it'll be when graduation comes. and we all go our separate ways. there are a few friends that i won't ever lose contact with.

anyhoo, my thoughts wander even now....but yeah....

average jane signing off...( can't really concentrate...)

how do you let go?

what do you do when you really like someone but find out they don't like you in that way? i thought that i was expert in this, as this is the story of my life...but then when i hang out with this guy, he does and says things that make me wonder...like maybe he just told me that we were just friends to save face....i dunno. cuz i know they say that you really should just forget it and move on. but i can't. it's way complicated. cuz there are so many emotions tied up in this crush. don't ask me why. and this guy makes me laugh. a lot... wish i knew a way to get a guy to tell his real feelings....like a truth spell or sumthin. it would make life so much easier. but the hardest part of this is that i'm too chicken to say anything else to him for fear that maybe it'll make things worse. however, this friend means a great deal to me...and without him to make me laugh and be my friend and just listen...life would basically suck. so i guess i have to find a way to move on..it really bites, but i guess for my sanity, i need to....god, life sucks somedays.

but i'm okay. really

average jane signing off....( trying to move on but not wanting to)

blood donations issues and stupid choir

well, so once again i am unable to donate blood. suprise surprise! yeah so turns out that my getting a piercing makes it so that i have to wait a year from getting it pierced to donate. i dont' really get it. but shawnea had the same issue and her lady told her it was in case of hiv or aids. maybe in case it wasn't done the best way or at the best place. but we got it done at claire's. yeah i know, stupid....but that's life.

so i haven't heard from darion since sunday. but maybe i'll see him after school. it's okay... but yeah life goes on.

oh and my choir teacher's being a bitch again... so i told her that i was gonna leave during graces to donate blood and she was all like graces need you. but it's not like she even really notices that i'm there. it's only when i'm gone or saying that i'm gonna leave. but i told her that i had to use my TA period for her to do homework to pass my academic classes. it's really stupid. and she was all like i need you to be here for graces... ugh.. i'm sick of her. and when i tried to make a comment to a friend. like " i hate it when..." and she just tells me with this mean look on her face, "amy just stop it!" and i hate that i now really don't have any allies in that class, i'm sick of being there. if i get one more comment from my choir teacher about all this how we graces have to stick together that we all need each other... then i am gonna full out tell her i hate her as a teacher and that i really hate graces. it got better for a little then just got worse than it had before....ugh.

anyhoo, now moving on to my worryfree life. i'm not gonna care so much about anything anymore... cuz it's just making me stressed and annoyed.

average jane signing off...

if my 2 yr. old cousin gives me a kiss, am i not VL anymore?

lol i just wanted that title for the fun of it!!! :D cuz i always say how i'm still VL. and lately it really hasn't bugged me. anyhoo... so the point of it. well, my favorite family of cousins have this habit or upbringing that if you ask for a kiss, they'll kiss you on the lips. at first it used to kind of catch me off guard and kind of weird me out. but then, i'm pretty much okay with it now... so tonight i go up to my fav. little cousin jacob and say, "jakie, can i have hugs and kisses?" and he runs up to me and gives me the biggest hug and plants a kiss on my lips. so cute!!! at least i think it is. but then my cousins are leaving and i go to there car to get hugs and kisses goodbye... and so at first jake wouldn't give me hugs and kisses. so jessie gave me some. and let me say, she gives wet kisses!! lol i love my little cousins!!! so jake had to give me hugs and kisses too! and he gave me a lot of kisses!!! made me so happy. he's a sweetheart...

but so yeah.... i've just been thinking oober a lot about what all darion said. and to what friends have said. and so i guess maybe he is serious. the only way i can know for sure, is if i let him prove to me that he is serious....just kind of let things flow and let life move on. cuz i do like him... but for all together too long i've let myself become over concerned about how life works out, and oh what if this happened or that happened... what would i do? like a lot of my stress the past little while has been over why it seems like my romantic life doesn't ever work out. like the guys i like, never like me in that way, like as more than a friend. and also worrying about losing a really great friend. it seems this friend and i aren't as close as we were, and that we may not be close or such that way again. and then i realized... why am i worrying. i have been on my own before without a best friend, and if that happens i will be okay... also, until that happens i shouldn't worry.

i think it's time in my life to simply be more carefree...like not worryin too much about friends and other attachments i have. it's when i worry that i make myself upset and down... and it sucks. so i am not gonna worry about all the senseless things of life... i'm jsut gonna kind of glide through. i may still get upset about little things. but that's to be expected....it's life. so right now, well friends come and go...i'm stronger. and it's all good. but also, i think i may go for it, sort of, with darion. like just flirt back more, and give him the hint that i still like him as more than a friend. but yeah and just see where that takes me.. just follow my heart... i'm not stupid enough to let him hurt me.. i'm smarter than that. :D

average jane signing off...(life is interesting sometimes..)